Growing Older
by Vixen3
Summary: At college, Joey learns about growing older and what it means for her relationships with Dawson and Pacey. Definitely P/J. NOW COMPLETE! Tell me what you think!
1. Prologue

Prologue.  
  
Joey closed the door behind her and sat down on the bed. She thought about what had just happened. Looking back, the whole thing seemed ridiculous - she hadn't been at college long enough to know exactly what were the ins and outs of the professor-student relationship, but she was pretty sure that whilst the odd extra-curricular conversation, and maybe even the occasional cup of coffee was not out of the question, prolonged physical contact probably was. Definitely was.  
  
Whatever, she thought. It's not as though we had sex.  
  
She was sat quietly thinking on the end of her bed, staring at the floor, and realised that she wasn't bothered. The only thing she was bothered about was the fact that she wasn't bothered, which was ridiculous. She felt somehow cheated, as though she had betrayed herself in some way by not feeling bad about the whole thing. But then she hadn't started it. Or had she? She couldn't really remember, not clearly. She had gone to Wilder's study to ask him about Derrida - everyone else seemed to find him so significant that she felt she ought to know something about him - and found him pouring himself coffee at his desk. His response to her questioning was a bemused smile, which for some reason really, really annoyed her, but seeing her frustration he pulled up another chair and handed her a mug of coffee.  
  
'You know Miss Potter, you really shouldn't be getting so hung up about this. It's not as though your work is suffering; the Rose Lazare break- through was really something.'  
  
'Thank you. But I still feel like I'm paddling around in the dark. Minus a compass. Everyone else knows all these terms, and people, and concepts, and I haven't a clue what they're talking about.' That was really the problem. She hated feeling like the stupid one.  
  
'Ah, now I get it. College lesson number one - ignore everyone else. Just because the way you deal with the problems in front of you is different from everyone else's approach, it doesn't mean it is less 'good', or any less critically viable. In fact it may even be more so because you are relying on your own instincts and not trying to decide whether your reading fits into some second-hand critical framework; deconstructionalist, Freudian, post-structuralist -' She gaped at him. 'All right, I'm confusing you. But you have to realise that in this world opinions always need defending. If you start reading the opinions of others, you have to make sure you maintain faith in what you personally think. And in your case, Joey Potter, that is a lot more interesting and significant than in most. But I'll get you your Derrida.'  
  
He had stood up to reach for the book from the hundreds that lined the walls of the room. She had jumped up to move out of his way, seen him about to knock his now cold coffee all over his desk, darted in to save it, found herself between his reaching arms, he looked down, she looked up. The kiss had lasted several minutes before he stopped and they looked again at one another. He had shown no sign of guilt (well, neither had she), but looked resigned.  
  
'I think you had better go'. She smiled apologetically and left.  
  
She couldn't help thinking that she should be feeling some kind of significance about the whole event. You know - first kiss. First sex. First illicit contact with an older man. She remembered Gwen telling her how she felt she would never kiss a boy unless it meant something, and now here she was having kissed her professor of all people and finding she didn't care. It had been electrifying, arousing, exciting - but ultimately not as important as it perhaps should have been. She felt only a regret that she was capable of responding to a stimulus that was purely physical; a year before anything like that would have been distasteful, she had always felt love to be the thing that mattered.  
  
She groaned with frustration, and went over to the window. Maybe this was what growing older did to you. The impossible dream that Worthington had once been was now a very solid reality, and Capeside was fading into a dream world, but somehow becoming more attractive than it had ever been in all those years when she had longed to escape it. She thought about that as she gathered her books, and couldn't help feeling a pang of regret. 


	2. Bookends

This is my first go at this, so please let me know how you feel about it by Ring it, and if you like it I will carry on! It is very definitely P/J, but remember these aren't my characters.  
  
Chapter One.  
  
'You did what?!'  
  
'I kissed him. Or he kissed me. I don't remember which,' Joey said.  
  
'But Jo, he's your professor, what about the consequences - there must be a million things they can do to you over that - why on earth did you -'  
  
'Dawson, I don't know. It - just happened. And it's not going to happen again, so really, I don't think it needs worrying about.'  
  
He looked at her, surprised. 'You're actually managing to remain completely unbothered by this, aren't you?'  
  
'Uh-huh'. Trust Dawson to pick up on that, she thought. She smiled inwardly at the thought that things were slowly returning to whatever passed for normality in their relationship - he was beginning to know how she felt once again.  
  
'Jo, two years - no, just a year ago anything like this would have had you completely confused, stunned and passing judgement on yourself with only slightly less ferocity than Oedipus. And now you're telling me you're ok with this? What happened to my Joey? What have you done with her!'  
  
She looked at him sharply, expecting to see disappointment, but was stunned to find he was gazing at her with a look of pure amusement on his face. She grinned back. 'I guess she grew up.' There was a pause. Then realisation dawned. 'Hold on - I've changed? What about you? A year ago if I'd told you this you'd've anticipated my complete moral degradation and spent every night coming over to my place to make sure I wasn't drinking, doing drugs, or having sex with every second guy that came along! I'm disappointed - I came here hoping that my fragile morality could be restored by a good dose of ethical commentary from my best friend, and the only thing that has shocked you is the fact that I'm not shocked?'  
  
'Yeah - I guess maybe we both grew up,' Dawson was silent for a minute. 'I think - being with Jen has changed things. I still think that love is more important than anything else and that when sex is devoid of love it becomes totally meaningless and ultimately damaging, but I can understand that purely physical attraction and why someone like Pacey would - '  
  
'No - you're wrong there - because Pacey is different - he's - ' She coloured as Dawson looked at her questioningly ' He's just different, that's all. And it's not all about sex with him - I mean, it wasn't - ' Joey paused to gather her thoughts. Maybe I'm not so grown up after all, she thought, if the last, and only, sexual relationship in my life still reduces me to a gibbering idiot. For Dawson her embarrassment triggered another possibility, but he kept silent. She carried on. 'Look, you can't say anything to him, all right? And don't be annoyed by any of this because not much of it matters now. But - I kept quiet when you and Jen got back together, not because I was totally happy with it - I mean, suddenly our little dream had looked as though it was going to be ok, you know, and then it all came crashing down again - but I remembered how Pacey and I felt and that it was awful when you were angry and I thought that I didn't want you to have to go through that. And Jen too, because despite everything she is actually my friend too, and I was glad that if I couldn't, at least someone was looking after you - hey! What's that for?' He had reached over and hugged her.  
  
'Just for being the best and most unselfish friend in the world.'  
  
'Oh, right. I'm not, because I was upset - to begin with, anyway. But now it's all different. This thing with Professor Wilder has made me realise that maybe sex is what is meant to be. I was annoyed because whenever you've been with Jen I thought it was all about sex, and that you were just bailing on Ice Queen Joey Potter because I was boring - pure, but boring. And somehow I think I got this idea that what you and I were all about was somehow more than sex, something higher, and that sex just muddied it and got in the way. And Pacey - well Pacey taught me that sex was something special and was everything to do with love, and it was wonderful but - I think I always felt it was somehow wrong because what you and I had was this pure thing that was, somehow, more real and lasting. And I was scared because I thought that Pacey was changing me into something I didn't want to be, however lovely it was.'  
  
'And now?'  
  
'Now I think you and Jen should be together, and that sex is something you can't get away from, and that it's something to be embraced, not to run away from,' she laughed, and grinned at him. 'And I'm starting to understand why Jen told a friend of hers I was uptight about it, and more seriously, I'm starting to think that maybe Pacey wasn't making me into something I didn't want to be but something I wasn't ready to be. And maybe now I am. Look, thanks for listening to me Dawson, and I'm really glad we're friends again, really I am. I have to get to class now.'  
  
She smiled again, brushed her hair behind her ear and picked up her bag, then leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. 'See you'.  
  
'Yeah see you Jo'.  
  
Dawson watched her go. She was still beautiful to him but somehow it was different - he took pride in her as a friend and realised that that was really what the two of them would stay, and that in that sense he would always, always have what no one else would; her udying friendship. But her comments about Pacey had made him think. He was long past jealousy now, and Joey's embarrassment about the whole thing made him suspect that her feelings where Pacey was concerned were not entirely disenfranchised.  
  
Walking home across the park, he realised something he had never thought of before. The reason he was so close to both of them was because they were so similar - both of them were continually being abandoned by those who ought to have been there for them: Joey's mother, Pacey's dad, her father, Dawson himself - he felt a pang of guilt at the fact that he had been one of the ones to distance himself from both of them, which lessened when he thought that he was still friends with both of them because they knew still that they could rely on him, and did. They were both so angry, all the time, and he couldn't help feeling that that was why it had ended, from the fear on either side - Joey because of the sex, Pacey from insecurity - that it would end eventually and why should they prolong the inevitable. If that was the case, then they ought still to be together, and he wasn't sure he wasn't the person to try and bring that about. Their anger stemmed from self-defence, they both built walls of wit around themselves, and if they got to the stage where they believed in their relationship enough to depend upon it, have finally found someone who couldn't be taken away, then maybe they would both be happy. The more he thought about it, the more sure he was, and the more he was determined to bring it about. There was no doubt in his mind that Pacey still loved her. And he was beginning to think that she still harboured feelings for him.  
  
Right, he smiled to himself, now to talk to Jen - if anyone knows how to get the two of them back together, she will. 


	3. Friends and lovers

Chapter 2  
  
'No way!' Jen was laughing but adamant. 'I am not, repeat not going to create embarrassment for Jo, Pace, you and above all myself by carrying out some totally ridiculous scheme to get them back together again. No way. Absolutely not.'  
  
'Oh come on Jen - please? You should have seen her face when she was talking about him, and you know it never really ended properly, and now Pacey lives here.' Dawson looked at her pleadingly, and his girlfriend wondered for the hundredth time how someone that tenderhearted had been permitted to exist in the modern world. She tried a different tack.  
  
'Look, Dawson, Joey's a college girl, and Pacey, well, he's a big boy now too. Don't you think we should just leave them to it? I mean, they'll work it out for themselves in the end.'  
  
'They won't though - come on, you know as well as I do that Pacey can be the most dumb-ass, insensible jerk ever, and Joey - well she can be so stubborn you just want to - '  
  
'- And these are your friends you're talking about? God, remind me to stay on the right side of you!' She stopped as she caught sight of his face. To be fair to the desperate, sentimental guy she was looking at, she did know what he meant. The way Jo and Pacey had fallen back into an easy friendship was almost unnatural, and only the other day she and Jack had been talking about the way they still quietly relied on one another. There had to be more to that than just friendship. She took a deep breath. 'All right. I'll try and think of something. Whooaa!' she cried as Dawson leapt across the room to embrace her, covering her protesting face with kisses. 'Just remind me why I'm doing this?'  
  
'Because you love me, and because you believe that love is the single most truly important emotion in the whole world.'  
  
'Oh please. I suggest you keep telling me that, because I may just forget.' She laughed as he pulled her closer and kissed her happily down the back of her neck. 'Come on then, lover boy - we've got planning to do.'  
  
* * *  
  
'Hey, Potter - either stop using the carrot like an offensive weapon or get - your ass - outta my - kitchen! These things are very - delicate - you know; the whole - success of a dish - depends on the - strength - of the legumes. Potter! Just give the damn carrot back!'  
  
Joey, who had been trying desperately to avoid laughing at a Pacey whose hair was coated in a fine layer of flour and whose blue apron was covered with a squadron of flying pigs, was unable to contain herself when confronted with a lecture on the significance of the common carrot. She collapsed against the table he had been chasing her around and spluttered helplessly, finally giving him the chance to grab the offending vegetable and march it triumphantly back to the chopping board, the sight of which caused Joey to fall into even further paroxysms.  
  
'Joey, your heartless amusement at my new career is astonishing and even depressing. Now, here I am, cooking, as a favour to one of my oldest and best friends and her roommate, and I am made to suffer appallingly for my generosity. Josephine Potter, I have said it before, and I will no doubt be compelled to repeat myself on numerous future occasions -' He wagged the carrot at her accusingly ' - but you are a cold and evil woman.'  
  
Still laughing Joey raised herself up from the table and, gradually drawing herself under control, pulled her face into an expression of contrition. 'Sorry Pace - I had no idea your vegetables meant so much to you. If I come and give one of my oldest and best friends a hug will he consider that suitable penance?'  
  
He frowned in mock seriousness. 'Well now, the severity of the crime is great - but,' he grinned, 'never let it be said that Pacey Witter passed over an opportunity for a hug from one of the most beautiful women in the world. You may embrace the chef.' He closed his eyes and opened his arms theatrically, still grinning broadly. A cackling Joey just had time to snatch the carrot once more from his outstretched hand and dash across the room before she was grabbed from behind with a roar and pinned, once again, across the table, still in peals of laughter. But this time they were facing each other and the laughter died away as she registered the heat of his body against hers, and the grin that softened and intensified on his face as he looked down at her.  
  
It's like nothing's changed, she thought, awestruck, as she thought how easy it would be to touch him, to reach out across that divide and - but, she insisted to herself, things have changed, this isn't what it used to be, it's just me.  
  
She's still so beautiful, thought Pacey, wishing to high heaven she would just stay there, in his arms. Don't move Jo, he willed, don't let anything into this moment, just let me keep it for one second more.  
  
She felt almost faint. This was ridiculous, they had put everything behind them, there couldn't be complications now. Maybe she should say something. Or maybe this was just a reaction to the kiss with Wilder? She sighed internally with relief at finding an excuse for herself that would do for the moment and concentrated on explaining to them both the reason for the seriousness that had suddenly come upon them.  
  
'Pace, I - '  
  
Oh God, he thought, please don't let her say anything about this. I am not losing this girl again and there is no way I am letting anything complex into this friendship and she had better not ask me what I'm doing holding her like this because how in the hell would I know.  
  
'Yes?' he said  
  
'I want to apologise for being rude about your cooking and not taking you seriously and stealing your carrot', she opened her eyes wide in a glorious pretence of innocence that made Pacey's heart nearly stop, but the lightness of her tone gradually lowered the tension in the air and she was able to relax and be genuine. Both their arms loosened but they unconsciously maintained their grip on each other. 'In all seriousness Pacey I'm - we're all - really proud of you and what you're doing. And you're great at it. And even if you do look ridiculous in that apron - I mean, what possessed you to get one with pigs on?' Here she couldn't resist a wicked grin and by now he was smiling too, the danger over. She continued, 'you really look the part, and I may even go so far as to say, attractive in it.' He opened his mouth to thank her but they were interrupted as Audrey walked in.  
  
'Hey guys, how's it going in - oh, am I interrupting something?  
  
They looked at one another and grinned. 'No,' Pacey said, smiling at Joey, 'just a reunion of old friends.' He pulled her up from the table where she was leaning and into a hug, kissing her on the forehead. 'I was just receiving some long overdue compliments from Miss Potter here after she had done interfering with my culinary efforts and messing up my carrots.'  
  
'Interfering? I was not! I just - '  
  
'All right guys, break it up! I want some food at some point even if you don't. Joey - out, now. And Pacey, you just keep your hands to yourself and get on with it.'  
  
'Madam, your wish is my command,' said Pacey, bowing exaggeratedly, and turned back to the vegetables, trying to suppress the warmth and joy that he knew, just knew, and hated knowing, came from his recent proximity to Joey. It was as though his body recognised her, and was sending out signals of welcome at the pressing of her contours against his own. With her still in his arms he had felt the world stop on its axis and his heart leap into his pounding throat. Dammit, he groaned, chopping a tomato with unnecessary vigour, why does she still do this to me?  
  
Joey, in the next room, only vaguely heard odd snippets of Audrey's excited chatter. She was too busy trying to justify to herself the delicious shiver that had run through her at Pacey's touch, the desire she had felt just to let go and fall into his great, kind brown eyes, the desire to - a hundred memories of the previous year flooded into her brain and she forced herself to suppress them. I am not letting myself be convinced I still feel something, she reasoned, it's just emotional hangover, that's all. There's nothing still between us, nothing. She fed this phrase through her brain several times, and then, refusing to admit she was still unconvinced, pushed the whole incident to the back of her mind to be dealt with at a less confusing moment. 


	4. A match made in...

Chapter 3  
  
Joey had come no closer to understanding her feelings when she put her books away for the night the following evening; in fact, she had ceased trawling through the Derrida because the only deconstructing she was doing was of her own responses and what her body could possibly have meant by them the previous night. It worried her that it would have been so easy just to give into temptation. Her recent run-in with Wilder was still at the back of her mind, and although she was prepared to accept that growing older made for a slightly more liberal attitude to sex, she was unsure if someone who responded to physical stimulation in every possible situation was really the kind of girl she wanted to be. Wilder had called her into his study earlier that day, having obviously spent a couple trying to work out what to say to her. When she had knocked and entered his office he had been the modicum of professionalism, and after a brief and embarrassing explanation of the fact that whilst he obviously found her attractive, she would understand why the 'incident' (he spoke it so the quotes almost seemed to hang in the air above his head, and punctuated it further with a discreet cough) could not happen again, allowed her to leave. But relief that that episode was, at least, behind her, could not stem a tide of other misgivings.  
  
I'm damned if passing through the barriers of adulthood is going to make me an entirely different person, she thought, gritting her teeth, it's just not who I am.  
  
She paused, remembering herself saying those words before. It had been on the boat after Pacey's outburst, and at the time it felt like no speech had ever been so callous or hurt so much. She understood now how much it hurt him too. But becoming friends again had stabilised both their ever- precarious worlds. She knew he still cared about her - not in the same way, obviously, she quickly added to herself - but the two of them knew how important they were to one another. Thank God nothing happened, she sighed to herself. It would ruin everything.  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her phone.  
  
'Joey?'  
  
'Hey Dawson. What's up?'  
  
'I need a favour.'  
  
'Why am I not surprised? What do you want? Please don't tell me I have to come hold your hand during another horror film, because I thought I was relieved of babysitting duty now you've found yourself another sucker.'  
  
'Very funny. Jen and I were going out to dinner but Grams isn't feeling too good - Jack's already gone out with the frat boys so Jen wants to stay home to look after her. The restaurant took a deposit so she said rather than miss out completely I should ask you instead. What do you say? Fancy a dinner date with your ex-soulmate?' Nice touch, he thought to himself.  
  
'Hmmm. Well I'm not washing my hair, and what do you know but no one more attractive than my totally coupled ex-boyfriend wants to take me out, so I guess yes, I am going to have to sink that low for entertainment. Sure. But is Grams ok?'  
  
'Er yes - she's fine, really.'  
  
'Cool. So what time shall I meet you?'  
  
'Well the reservation is for nine, but I've got some things to do first - I'll meet you in there ok? The table's under my name. It's quite a nice place, so put something good on and make yourself look stunning - will you have time? Oh sorry, didn't mean it to sound like that!' he added hastily as a derisive snort came down the line.  
  
'It's ok Dawson, no offence taken, though some was richly deserved. As you know I have never been one of those high maintenance chicks so I guess half an hour to get stunning won't be a problem.'  
  
'Great. See you there.'  
  
Dawson was chucking under his breath as he put the phone down. Jen came in and wrapped her arms around his waist. 'Well that's my call done - did you succeed with yours?' he asked.  
  
'Yes, though I can't believe I just lied in my grandmother's name. It's probably enough to send me to Purgatory for aeons. But Pacey Witter will be on his way to Chez Guilliaume for nine, complete with tux. Happy?'  
  
'Definitely. Jo could never resist a tuxedo-clad member of the male species, especially not this one. I'd love to be a fly on that wall tonight.'  
  
'Well so would I, but let's just hope your enthusiastic matchmaking doesn't result in unmitigated disaster, because just remember we'll be the ones picking up the pieces. And although I know we only defined our own relationship as monotonous, I don't really want the unabridged directors cut of 'Joey and Pacey: The Sequel' cutting in on my time with you.'  
  
'Well if it's time with me you want, you only had to say' he grinned, sliding a hand around behind her neck and pulling her into a kiss. 


	5. Heaven? part I

Chapter Four  
  
Joey slid a hand down and self-consciously pretended to fiddle with the buckle of her shoe strap. She had been sat on her own for almost a quarter of an hour and was beginning to get annoyed - she might be single, but Dawson didn't have to make her look like she'd been stood up, did he? The waiter came over to her for the third time.  
  
'Can I get you anything while you are waiting, Madam?'  
  
Oh what the hell, she thought.  
  
'A glass of white wine. Please.'  
  
'Certainly Madam, I will be right with you. Oh, and it seems that your gentleman friend is finally here. Just one moment, please'.  
  
The reception was behind her, so she didn't see who it was talking to the maitre d'. But as footsteps came closer behind her the voice that was apologising for his lateness didn't sound like Dawson. In fact, it sounded more like -  
  
'Pacey?!'  
  
'Jo? What are you doing here? I'm sorry sir, but I think there has been a mistake.'  
  
'No, no mistake sir, this is the table booked by Mr Leery, is that not right?'  
  
'Oh you're kidding me' Joey said.  
  
'You're here to meet Dawson, right?' Pacey asked her.  
  
'And let me guess, Jen rang you about an hour ago?'  
  
'Yep. Looks like we've been set up.'  
  
Joey groaned and dropped her head into her hands. 'I don't believe this - he actually lied to me! I wonder if Grams is even ill? Look, I'm sorry about this Pace, it wasn't my idea. I'll go. Maybe you could give Melanie, or Karen or someone a call and eat with them.' She stood up, gathering her things.  
  
He chose to ignore the mention of Karen and Melanie, especially since the waiter was looking at him rather too bemusedly. 'Why on earth do you want to go? I'm starving, and I bet you haven't eaten either. Or is the idea of my company really so loathsome? Remember, you don't even have to eat my cooking! Come on Jo, let's make a night of it, we haven't been out together for ages.'  
  
She gave him a look. 'Oh, all right. You twisted my arm. I haven't had a decent meal for aeons,' she added, winking at him.  
  
'That's better, a bit of the Potter banter. Excellent. This should be fun.'  
  
'The gentleman and his lady would like to stay after all?'  
  
'Yes please,' said Joey. 'Could you bring us a couple of menus?'  
  
'Of course'. And he was gone.  
  
'I'm so sorry Pacey, I had no idea they were going to do this. I don't even know where they got the idea from'.  
  
'Hey, it's ok. Don't worry about it. You never know, you might even enjoy it. We might even be friends by the end of the evening.'  
  
'Do you mean 'friends' as in the kind of friends we already are - unless I have totally missed something, of course - or friends as in the 'friends' we ended up at the end of last year? Because I am not sure that the latter is what I had planned for this evening. Although it seems to have been what Jen and Dawson had planned.'  
  
'Miss Potter, just remember that you had none of this evening planned - and look how wonderful it has already turned out to be,' he grinned at her coquettishly. 'But never fear, the Witter master is not planning on seducing you. He knows you would never be able to resist'.  
  
'He wishes'.  
  
'Of course he does. The most beautiful woman in the world is having dinner across the table from him'. And you do look amazing tonight, he added mentally. Lord, please don't let me do anything stupid.  
  
Joey frowned. 'That's the second time in two days you've said that.'  
  
'That's because it's true. And don't look at me like that. I've told you before, just because we're not together doesn't mean I can't say 'Joey, you look absolutely stunning tonight' when that is the truth. You should of course feel free to appreciate me physically too.'  
  
'You look very nice Pacey, really. Lovely tux.'  
  
'Very nice? I hear no mention of handsome, or desirable, or astounding?'  
  
'Don't push it.' Joey laughed. 'Actually, I am glad we've got the chance to be together tonight. I - I know I haven't said anything, but I do kind of miss your company. We always had fun, didn't we?'  
  
'Yeah, we did. Do you remember - '  
  
And with that the conversation went the way of all conversations between very old friends. Joey pushed the thoughts of the day before out of her head to avoid spoiling the evening. She was enjoying herself too much to be wondering about minor complications. And it is only a very little thing, she thought a little later, her head a little foggy with the wine she was drinking, a very little thing. I can't still be attracted to him, and if I was, would it really matter, as long as nothing happens?  
  
They laughed and chatted as the waiter brought over the meal. Course by course went by in a flurry of wine and mock-insults and smiles, and more wine. Joey was feeling significantly light-headed by the time they reached dessert, and Pacey was experiencing a different trouble. All through dinner he had been captivated by their mutual enjoyment of each other's company. Going back down memory lane with Joey was a life-changing experience; he loved the way she remembered every little detail of the past, and knew that she had to remember every moment of being with him. As she drank more her natural reserve was overcome, and speaking of things which they remembered from their time together she looked into his eyes and held his gaze for a while biting her lip and smiling broadly. He couldn't stop looking at her. She was dressed in red, a knee length dress that had wide straps and a V-neck. His eyes travelled across her bared shoulders and he followed the line of her dress down to her breasts. He suddenly realised he was staring and looked quickly back at her face to see if she had noticed, but the waiter had returned with two chocolate mousse and she had been distracted enough not to. It's probably not a good idea for her to see me ogling her, really, he thought, turning his attention to the dessert to take his mind off it.  
  
'Pace, are you ok? You've gone awfully quiet,' she asked after a couple of minutes had passed.  
  
Well I have a number of options at this point, he thought to himself. Jo, I was just thinking that I am the only person ever to have seen you naked and that makes me so proud I - no. Joey, this has been the most wonderful night I've had in ages and I think I still love you. Equally - no.  
  
'I'm fine. Sorry'  
  
'You hardly need to apologise. I was just thinking that this has been the most wonderful night I have had in ages and I want to think you - I mean thank you, for making me stay. We should do this more often'.  
  
He looked at her. She was more drunk than he had thought. How many glasses of wine had she had?  
  
TBC soon. 


	6. Heaven? part II

He couldn't remember, though it looked like it might have been a few.  
  
'Too bad the night's nearly over,' she added slowly. Was he imagining things, or did she wink at him? Maybe he had drunk a bit too much himself. But there was no harm in prolonging the night, as long as nothing happened, of course.  
  
'Well you don't have to give up my company just yet of course,' he said carefully, taking refuge in the cocky attitude once more. 'If I am not very much mistaken, this restaurant has a bar, a band and a nice shiny floor over in that corner – fancy cutting the rug a little, Miss Josephine?'  
  
'Don't call me that. But yes, if you want to, why not?' Something in the back of Joey's mind thought that this was probably a mistake. She suspected she had had too much to drink – she was having to concentrate way too hard in order to get up from the table in a vaguely elegant fashion, and Pacey – well Pacey was a very attractive possibility in that suit. Very attractive. She liked the way it sat on his shoulders and the way it fell across his back, hanging down to show just enough of his – she stopped herself from thinking any more. A dance is not a problem, she said to herself, as long as I don't start thinking like that. She thought back to the day before. There is no problem, she told herself severely, with having fun with a friend. It is perfectly acceptable behaviour. And it's not as if he's going to try anything. As they walked across to the dance floor though her mind was increasingly foggy.  
  
'Jo? Earth to Joey? Are you all right? You look a bit spaced out – do you think maybe we'd better just go home?'  
  
'Home? Pace, I'm perfectly fine. Per-fect. Honest. Now dance with me.' And she held out her arms.  
  
'Yes Ma'am,' he said, taking her into his and pulling her into his rhythm. She laughed.  
  
'You always were good at this. Remember those dance lessons we took?'  
  
'What, you mean the ones you conned me into taking?'  
  
'Me – con you? Now would I ever do a thing like that?' She looked up at him again with the same innocent eyes as the day before and he felt himself melt again. She was warm in his arms, and the wine she had drunk made her relax into him gently. She had always been the same awful drunk – either terrifyingly tense or languidly flirtatious. He wasn't sure which he found harder to resist.  
  
'God I love you when you're drunk,' he said lazily without thinking.  
  
Her head snapped up without a moments pause. Even when tipsy she still had an ear for trouble. What was that he'd said?  
  
'What did you say?!'  
  
Shit, he thought. Oh shit. Now think.  
  
'I just said I love it when you're drunk - you're, um, so entertaining.'  
  
'I am not drunk, Pacey Witter!' she said indignantly, pulling away from him and standing aloof, hands on hips. Seeing his worried expression though, she relented and slid back into his arms. 'Oh all right maybe just a but. A bit. But not a lot.'  
  
Phew, he thought. The danger was over for the moment, but having her in his arms like this was driving him crazy. I have never known anyone this incredible he thought, but I can't do anything because I can't risk losing her. Why is it all so damn complicated the second time. It ought to be easier.  
  
With each of them thinking happily about the warm pressure of the other in their arms, they soon lost track of time, and it was closing time before they came back to their senses. Joey, after a few more glasses of wine, was looking decidedly wobbly, and Pacey could have kicked himself for not keeping a closer eye on her. It had been too pleasurable having her lean on him to think about the reason why. At one point in the previous thirty minutes it had struck him that it may not have just been the alcohol, but he swiftly canned that thought.  
  
'Jo? It's time to go home now.'  
  
She pulled a face. 'Do we have to?'  
  
'Well they're closing up here, so yes.'  
  
'Can't we go back to the boat for a bit? It's a nice boat. We could go talk some more. I don't want to give up your handsome ass just yet. Pleeease?'  
  
No. No no no no no. 'Yeah, ok'. Shit, this is really great but so not great all at the same time. Now what? 


	7. A touch too far

Chapter five  
  
'You've done what?'  
  
'Um, set them up,' Dawson said, running a hand through his hair distractedly. 'Why, Jack, do you not think it's a good idea?'  
  
'Good idea?! You guys are crazy! You, I could understand, Dawson – it would make a fantastic film script, IF it worked. But Jen? I have no clue. You both know what they went through last year. Why on earth would you want to put your friends – and let me emphasise that last word – through all that again? I mean, just tell me why?!'  
  
'So they DON'T have to go through all that again. Come on Jack, you know they're perfect together. If they could make it work - '  
  
Jack was getting more stunned with every passing word. Dawson had cornered him triumphantly as he came back into Grams' house for the night and blurted out the whole scheme. He couldn't believe it. Not in a million years could he ever envisage this working.  
  
'So let me get this straight – you went nuts when the two of them got together, you pursued Joey to Boston, fell in love with her best friend, 'forgot' to tell her the two of you were together, and now you want to break her heart. Again. Yeah, that makes sense! I know as well as you do that they're made for each other but you can't force them into it. If something happens before they're ready to deal with it then who knows what could happen – you might do some permanent damage. Again.' Jack shook his head. 'I just don't know. Look, if by some miracle this whole thing doesn't backfire horribly, I suggest you don't try it again. And if it does, just remember it had nothing to do with me.'  
  
'Jack you worry too much,' said Jen. 'It's only one night out. They may not even still be with each other by now, it's nearly eleven. If you think it's a bad idea, we'll stop – I mean, I was never that sold on the idea in the first place -' she shot a look at Dawson 'it's just a shame that the two of them keep looking for something which is right in front of their noses. It's obvious Pacey has something for her, though he's too scared to admit it, and if Joey just stopped thinking about and analysing every single goddam thing, she'd realise there was something going on. I agree with you' – she pointed at Dawson – 'and I agree with you' – she nodded to Jack – 'it would be great and wonderful for them to be together but we've got to wait until they're ready to take the risk. Or you never know what might happen.'  
  
'But if we do that I can promise you nothing will ever happen,' sighed Dawson despondently. 'Trust me, I've known the two of them for ever. It'd take them years to make a move.'  
  
* * *  
  
Joey giggled as the boat rocked when she stepped onto it.  
  
'Oh god, you're giggling. Now we're in trouble.'  
  
'What do you mean? Whoops!' she laughed again 'This would definitely not be something to be doing if I was drunk!'  
  
Pacey helped her carefully onto the boat. 'Well you know Jo, seeing as you've, you know, grown up around an entire creek's worth of boats and I haven't seen you have any trouble getting on to one since you were six and Dawson pushed you off the jetty, I might be inclined to suspect – I mean, just a teensy weensy bit – that you WERE drunk. And quit giggling; you know that's not helping your case.'  
  
'My case? Oh Deputy Witter, what are you accusing me of?' she leaned into him as they sat on the deck and batted her eyelashes. 'What could you possibly find wrong with lil' ol' me?'  
  
'All right. Very little and you know it. Now stop teasing me; I thought we came back here so we could talk, not so you could bully me.'  
  
'No, you're right. We should talk. What do ex boyfriends and girlfriends talk about?'  
  
Why on earth is she bringing that up? 'Er, presumably what we have always talked about. But if you haven't got anything to say Miss Lightweight, what do you say I bully you instead?' And he reached over to her and rubbed a hand over her head, throwing her hair in all directions. 'There. Now you look much better.'  
  
'Pacey! You mussed me!'  
  
'I what? I'm sorry, I don't think I caught that – could Joey Potter, eternal non-girly girl, just have complained about the state of her hair?!' Pacey opened his eyes wide in mock horror. 'Well Jo, I'm sorry, but you know how it is – I can't possibly associate with you now. I'm afraid you're going to have to leave this boat little Missy.' And he got up, taking her by the arm.  
  
'Pacey, I am not going anywhere. And since when have you had a problem with girls? I know a couple of sweet little chicks who were very pleased to have you to share their nests with…' Joey grinned at him. She was enjoying this too much to stop. As the alcohol continued to swim round her brain she thought how strange it was that this was the clearest she had been thinking for weeks. I really must spend too much time in the library, she thought.  
  
'Oh really – and what would you know about that?'  
  
'You forget Pacey, I was another of your conquests, remember?'  
  
Pacey stopped trying playfully to tug at her arm and looked at her seriously. He knelt down in front of her and pushed a bit of freshly mussed hair out of her eyes. 'Missed a bit,' he said, to gain time. 'Jo,' he continued softly, 'you were never a conquest. And you never could be. We were way too much for that – you were far too good for me. Please don't ever think of yourself like that. I'd hate for you to believe that's all it was. Melanie and Karen, neither of them meant as much to me as you did.' He took a deep breath. 'And in many ways, still do.'  
  
'Pacey, that's really – hold on. In what kind of ways?' She looked up at him, scanning his face. She struggled to get a grip on what was happening. Don't get confused Joey, she told herself, just stay calm and focus.  
  
Pacey grinned at her and cupped her cheek in his hand. 'Well Miss Potter, you're still my friend and you're still beautiful, so I guess that makes me pretty proud that -'  
  
She didn't know what possessed her to take his hand from her cheek and kiss it. And he didn't know what led him to move in close to her and kiss her lips. It may have been the word beautiful, for the third time in two days, it might have been the spark that shot through them both when he touched her. Either way, the response was automatic. She snaked a hand behind his head and pulled him into her.  
  
Pacey was completely taken aback, but before he could respond the warm softness of her lips had him lost. He tried to reason through it, but simply mumbled, 'Joey?'  
  
'Uh-huh'  
  
'What are we doing?'  
  
'I think we're kissing Pace. Why, do you not remember what this is like?'  
  
Oh yes, oh god yes, he thought. It's like riding to heaven and back. He fought to control the impulse he was feeling to lean her back and cover her with his body, but she took control first and pushed him backwards. He knew it was a mistake, but he couldn't resist her, not after the dinner, and the dancing, and the increasing hunger with which she was pulling at his mouth.  
  
'Joey – are you sure you -'  
  
'Shhh…' she said. 'I know you think I'm drunk Pacey, but I couldn't care less. I know you too well, I know you're feeling something here and I don't intend to waste it. Tell me what you want.'  
  
'Jo, I want what I've always wanted. You.'  
  
She smiled at him simply, and ran her hands up under his jacket. He gasped at the coolness of her hands, and the memories of the previous year just came flooding back. He couldn't stop them, he didn't even want to stop them. He was too far gone with feeling to care what happened afterwards. He rolled her over and kissed her again, slowly and meaningfully. She sighed beneath him.  
  
'Your hands are cold,' he said quietly. 'Cabin?'  
  
Without another word she took his hand and they went down into the hull of the boat. He sat her on the edge of the bunk and stood between her legs, holding her head in his hands and kissing her over and over. Joey felt like she was on fire. It had been so long since they had done this, and yet so familiar to be with him again, that she pushed to the back of her mind the little voice which was telling her it was a mistake. All she could feel was the warmth of his body, pulling closer to hers and sending out a million signals she recognised and loved. She slid her hands under his jacket and pulled it off, then pulled at the zipper on his sweater. 'Pace' she said slowly, biting her lip. 'I do want you, you know.'  
  
That was about all he could take. There was no thought in it anymore, no scruples. She sighed into him as he lifted her down and began quickly but gently to undress her, and she did the same to him. A few seconds later they were sliding into the bunk, touching and kissing all the while, lost in the moment and the memories of being together.  
  
Outside, the only sound was the lapping of the water against the boat. 


	8. Not the girl you think you are

Pacey awoke to the sound of someone crashing round the boat. He lay confused for a couple of seconds, wondering whether it was a burglar and whether if so he ought to do something about that, and then sat up abruptly when he realised who it was and what had happened the night before.  
  
'Joey?' She was stumbling round in circles, picking up bits of discarded clothing and pulling them hurriedly on.  
  
'Jo, what are you doing? What's wrong!'  
  
She stopped and looked at him. 'I'm going, Pace. I think it's best, don't you?' Her voice was almost harsh.  
  
'What – why?'  
  
'Because we slept together Pacey! And we're not supposed to do that any more, remember?' She was angry and bitter, hating herself for giving into temptation but equally mad at Pacey for letting her. Everything she had said to Dawson was gone from her mind. Some f-ing mature attitude to sex this is, she thought. Just look at me, one night with him and I'm insane. And I actually did it, I actually slept with someone I don't care about – no worse, do care about, just because of some stupid lust thing. 'Look, I'm sorry. It was my fault. A mistake. I know you're not looking for anything from me.'  
  
Was she kidding? 'What, you think that was all about the sex?' Pacey's last scraping of hope that Joey dressing and running away wasn't the nightmare it appeared to be fell away with a crash. In the dying hours of the previous day it had seemed like a dream come true. Joey, his Joey, back in his arms. In the cool romance of the evening he had felt it was going to last forever. Now reality had come storming back.  
  
'Well that's what we did Pace, isn't it? And it's not as if we're in love any more – '  
  
'Wait. Just hold on.' He couldn't believe that she was actually suggesting he didn't care. He had been prepared for the embarrassment of rejection, but not this. 'You're telling me – and you are telling me Jo, you're not asking me – that I slept with you because I wanted sex, end of story – yes?'  
  
'You're telling me you love me, then?'  
  
'Joey that is not the point,' he said angrily. 'You walk onto my boat, you kiss me, let me kiss you and then after we have sex you tell me that's all I wanted – and after I told you last night you weren't just another girl! For God's sake Jo –' and by now he was shouting, the morning was blown, the friendship was ruined, what did it matter if she knew – 'if you want to walk off this boat. Fine. Do so. Forget about last year, forget about all those years we've been friends, because if you really think so little of me then you can go to hell. You know me Joey, you know I have been with people who maybe weren't so damn near perfect as yourself, but you ought to know me well enough to know I would never sleep with you and not mean it.' He was right up against her now, and her back was to the wall. She was almost frightened by his ferocity, but her own anger was such that she barely cared.  
  
'Don't shout at me! I'm not accusing you of anything, Pacey - I have no clue how you feel about me! No clue. And if I don't know, then what the hell was I doing sleeping with you? I didn't think we were about that, I thought there was more to it than just some stupid teenage lust thing – now look at us! I kissed my professor the other day, my PROFESSOR! Now I jump into bed with the person I thought I could trust more than anyone in the world. This isn't me Pacey!  
  
Her professor? Why on earth hadn't she told him? 'No, Jo, you're right. It isn't you. Where do you get off telling other people what they can and can't feel. If you knew -' He took her by the wrists and looked at her hard.  
  
'Don't tell me! I don't want to know! All I know is that all of this comes back to you: Professor Wilder, Dawson and Jen, you and me – it's all been about sex, and it's you that I get that with, and it's not who I am Pacey! Can't you understand that?'  
  
She broke away from his grasp and grabbed her bag from the corner of the bunk.  
  
'No Jo, I can't understand,' he said between gritted teeth. 'I can't understand how suddenly, everything we had last year has been reduced to sex. I don't get, Joey, exactly how little you seem to understand me or perhaps why you are deliberately trying to avoid understanding me. Nor can I figure out how come I am the cause of all this. What is up with you Joey?!' Although he was still angry, he found that saying all this left him strangely calm, as though he was talking through a dream. He still couldn't believe this was happening, but there was something he couldn't put a finger on, some little sliver of hope. There was more to Joey's response than simple regret, or why would she be so damn angry? Finally he asked her slowly, 'What do you want from me?'  
  
'To leave me alone to sort this out!' she retorted. 'Yes, completely alone! I'm going to go back to my room, and I am going to pack, and I am going back to Capeside to see Bessie and try and find some of whatever it was I lost last year. Because this, Pacey, is not me. This is not who I am!'  
  
She marched up the steps and off the boat, but Pacey called after her, 'What, are you going to see Dawson as well, Jo? I know you, Joey Potter, and he is definitely NOT what you are!' A totally pointless comment, he thought bitterly, but none the less satisfying.  
  
'You can go to hell!' was the distant response. 


	9. There's no place like...

After leaving Pacey Joey went straight back to her room, praying that Audrey wouldn't be there to ask her where she'd been the night before. Fortunately she was out; and seizing the chance of leaving without any of the complex psychology of explanations, she set to packing, pulling things out of drawers haphazardly in her hurry. She grabbed a bag from under her bed and stuffed it hurriedly, then was struck by a thought and darted into the bathroom to grab her toothbrush. She caught sight of herself in the mirror – tearstained, nervous face, tangled hair – and grabbed a brush, tugging it swiftly through her hair and splashing cold water on her face. The mask of calm in place, she went back outside and continued piling things into her bag. She didn't notice Audrey come in until she heard an exclamation behind her.  
  
'Joey! What on earth are you doing? You going somewhere?'  
  
'I'm going home for a few days, that's all.' She looked up. 'Nothing special.'  
  
'Really? Kind of a last minutes decision I take it, seeing as the normally scrupulously neat Joey Potter has two odd socks in her hand and a bra hanging out of her bag. Care to tell me what's going on, and whether it has anything to do with the fact that you didn't come back last night?'  
  
Joey looked at her. It wasn't as though she wasn't going to find out anyway, she thought. 'I got drunk, and stayed at Pacey's last night,' she began.  
  
'Is that all? Then –'  
  
'And I slept with him.'  
  
'Way to go Joey! That's – not very great, judging by the look on your face. Why on earth not? Aren't you guys together again now then?'  
  
Joey shook her head. 'No. And I don't want to talk about why that is, or what happened, right now I just want to try and forget about it. That's why I'm going home.'  
  
Audrey sat down next to where Joey was slumped on the bed and put an arm round her. 'That's fine, obviously Jo, but are you sure you can forget about it – are you really sure you want to? Running away's not going to help any, and are you absolutely sure that you're not refusing to face up to a few things on this one? I've seen the two of you together, and is there really nothing going on?'  
  
'Nothing' she said, but felt her face grow hot at the suggestion. Audrey noticed, but kept silent.  
  
'Ok then. Is there anything I can do to help?' she asked brightly  
  
'Well you could look up bus times to Capeside if you really want…'  
  
'No problem.'  
  
A few minutes later she was back.  
  
'Bad news I'm afraid – there's nothing until six o'clock this evening. I booked you on it though.'  
  
'Thanks Audrey. Look, no offence, but I think I'm just going to go over to Dawson's until then. I need to talk to him.' She grabbed her bag from the bed, gave Audrey an appreciative hug, and left.  
  
* * *  
  
Joey knocked on the door of the house that Dawson shared with Grams and Jen, hoping he would be the only one in. It was now nearly lunchtime, but the sick feeling she had had in her stomach since she woke had made food the last thing on her mind.  
  
She grimaced at the resurfacing of the thoughts that she had had upon waking to find herself in bed with Pacey, but just then the door opened, jerking her from her reverie.  
  
'Joey?' Dawson looked surprised. 'What are you doing here?' A sudden look of guilt passed across his face. 'Ah – last night. Look, if you've come to tell me off for that, I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to do, I just thought –'  
  
'You thought right. Can I come in?'  
  
'Right. What? You mean you and Pacey are back together?'  
  
'No,' said Joey scornfully, 'although I would really like to know why everyone thinks we ought to be. No, we had sex. And it was weird, and I left him this morning and shouted at him, and he shouted at me, and I don't want to talk about it.'  
  
'Oh. Right,' murmured Dawson, feeling slightly stunned, 'Are you ok?'  
  
'As I said, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to have a normal conversation and kill time whilst I wait for my bus home. Is ET still kicking around here? Because that is just the kind of escapism I need.'  
  
* * *  
  
An hour or so later, the two of them were lying on Dawson's bed watching the TV screen. Apart from the differences in the room, things felt just like they had done for years – the two of them, curled up separately on the bed, each intent on what was happening on screen. Joey was grateful for the familiarity after the turmoil of the last few days.  
  
'Dawson,' she whispered.  
  
'Uh-huh.'  
  
'Thanks'. He looked at her sharply, but she had turned back to the screen. Sighing, he rose and went to the television, turning it and the VCR off.  
  
'Hey! What was that for?' exclaimed Joey indignantly.  
  
'I want you to talk to me, Joey. Something is very clearly wrong and I don't have to be a genius to work out that it has to do with Pacey. What happened?'  
  
'I told you. We slept together. Enough said, ok.'  
  
'No, not ok. I saw the two of you last year, and I've never seen two people so much in love. All right, so I was a jerk at the time, but I have known you two for too long – you wouldn't have done that if it didn't mean something to both of you.'  
  
'Yeah Dawson? Well you know, things change.' She wouldn't look at him. As the anger that had carried her through the morning subsided, everything seemed more and more confused.  
  
'Not that much. I know we've had our problems recently but that's precisely what's telling me you're not letting me in on this. We have a conversation only a few days ago in which you tell me that you're all grown up with the sex thing and that you don't care. So what happens when you and Pacey fall into bed as a result of what is some very clearly important undeclared lust? You come running to me to watch the one film we have cried over together since we were kids. Now forgive me the psycho-babble, but that is one serious attempt at rediscovering your inner child.' He sat down next to her on the bed again, where she was sat staring at her knees. 'Now Jo, please tell me what happened?'  
  
'I told him it was him who made everything to be about sex', she said quietly.  
  
'You what? Joey, how on earth did you get to that? The guy was madly in love with you - all last night does is to make me think he still is. You were the one who told me that that wasn't what he was all about. I know you're upset enough right now, but frankly I didn't think you could be so cruel. He must have said something to you about how he felt – didn't you believe him?'  
  
She was even quieter now, and shaking her head. 'I – didn't give him a chance. I was angry Dawson, really really angry. I thought, how dare he make me give in to feelings like this, how dare he make me respond to sex. I don't know he feels Dawson, and god knows it won't be the same after this morning, but I don't know what to do. This isn't me, I don't just jump into bed on a whim.'  
  
Dawson smiled. He hadn't guessed that this could be so easy. Had she really managed to tie herself in that big a knot over it? 'Joey, look at me.' He took her face in both of his hands and spoke seriously to her. 'I love you, and I always will. I get incredibly frustrated when you think so much about things that you stop seeing them clearly, but then I guess the two of us have always been guilty of that. You've always been my best friend. But I can't give you the excitement, and the love, and the passion, that he can. And Joey, it's ok to love him back that way.' She tried to turn her head away, but he wouldn't let her. 'You're right, it isn't like to have sex just for the sake of it. But it is like you to spontaneously demonstrate your love for someone in whatever way comes to hand. Joey, look at me and tell me that you don't love him.' She was silent, her mouth moving to form words which were choked back before they were ever really there.  
  
'Think about it Joey,' he said, letting go of her carefully. 'Deep down you know you still care for him. And he loves you too.'  
  
Joey was too brimful of emotion to speak. It was all too much, to work through what was going on in her mind. 'Dawson – I –' she collected herself. 'I need to see Bessie. Thanks for the film. The bus leaves at six.'  
  
As she left a few minutes later, he called after her. 'Let it happen Jo. You'll regret it otherwise.' 


	10. Accepting denial - part I

Twenty minutes later, Dawson was sitting on the couch thinking. His confidence to Joey had been something of an act, more to encourage her to realise how she was feeling than because he believed totally in Pacey's love for her. But that, that was the crux of the matter. He knew Joey too well, even now. The girl who had taken refuge in his house was not one who was angry at Pacey for having 'taken advantage' of her. She was angry at herself, predominantly, he suspected, for having taken out her panic on Pacey, when he was sure she knew, deep down, how he felt. When the doorbell rang, he knew who it would be.  
  
'Pacey?'  
  
'Yeah, man – the fool he arriveth.'  
  
'Are you ok?'  
  
'Let me guess – she's been here, right?'  
  
'Uh-huh.' With a sympathetic look Dawson ushered him in to the house. 'How did you know?'  
  
'Well it wasn't hard. I mean I would have come here, anyway, but I went to her room first. Audrey told me she came. She also asked me if I was planning on further research into the Worthington female student and if so, whether she could 'assist' me. I told her I'd think about it. That girl has no shame.' To Dawson, his tangential comments were as obvious a sign of his distraction as Joey's forced confidence had been earlier.  
  
'No, she's nothing like our Joey' said Dawson, pointedly.  
  
'Oh thanks man. It's not enough for me to be yelled at and humiliated by Joey? You don't need to tell me she's ashamed of me, I got quite enough of that this morning. I tell you, that girl has real issues with intimacy, you know. Real issues. Lots of issues. A whole damn bunch of 'em,' he began to raise his voice as he moved about the room, raising his hands to his head in his frustration. 'You know, Dawson? For a smart girl she can be so damn, so – just so –'  
  
'Adorable?' Dawson suggested, bemused.  
  
'Yes. Yes. That's exactly it.' Pacey dropped his hands and pointed at him agitatedly. 'Why is she so adorable, so cute, so beautiful and oh, so desirable, and yet so stupid? I mean, it is a fundamental flaw with the world that a smart, gorgeous girl can be as blindly stubborn as a mule!' He sat down hard on the couch by way of punctuating this.  
  
'You love her, don't you.'  
  
'Of course I do. Isn't it obvious? I haven't ever stopped loving her, Dawson, I realised that this morning. She is in my head all the time, every bit of her. I even love the bad bits. And it was all fine – if it rose to the surface, I controlled it. We were friends again, really good friends. Now it's all ruined.' He stared vacantly in front of him.  
  
Dawson sighed. 'It's no wonder the two of you get on so well. Has it occurred to you she might love you too?'  
  
Pacey responded automatically, 'She doesn't. She couldn't possibly, not after the way I finished it last time, she couldn't trust – why?' he asked, suddenly frowning, 'has she said something to you?'  
  
'Not a thing. But I know she loves you. I know that might sound hard to believe, but trust me, the one thing she was worried about when she came here was what she said to you this morning. She loves you all right, I'm just not sure whether she's ready to admit it to herself yet. I did my best, though, and you might just be surprised.'  
  
Pacey looked like a drowning man who had just been thrown a lifeline. 'You mean that? You really think she loves me?'  
  
'Pace, you know her as well as I do, better in many ways. Do you honestly think she would have done anything last night if she wasn't head over heels crazy for you? She just needs a little help.' Dawson looked at his friend, who was suddenly deep in thought. 'Go after her. Go after her, and tell her how you feel. You honestly have nothing to lose. But her bus leaves at six - '  
  
He was already gone. 


	11. Accepting denial - part II

Pacey anxiously looked at his watch, and redoubled his running speed. It was 5:45. He'd tried to get a taxi across town to the bus station, but the traffic was so dense he had asked the driver to stop a few blocks back – he would have a better chance of making it on foot. His mind freed from activity by the automatic pounding of his legs, he thought how appropriate it was that he was running after this girl again. It was all he had ever done, really. Even when it was just to pull her braids she had still had a curious fascination for him. He considered how much they had all grown up since then, and realised how much more at ease he was with himself since he had had the Civilisation job. It wasn't ever really Dawson that got in the way, he thought, it was me, or at the most Joey's idealisation of him. They're like brother and sister – I can't replace that, but I don't need to. I can give her something more, and we both know that now.  
  
The thought made him run even faster.  
  
* * *  
  
The bus was early. By a quarter to the hour it was already waiting in position between the stiff yellow lines. Joey stared round at the station, which was almost deserted. There was no point in waiting; she had told Dawson not to come and see her off. She caught herself thinking that maybe Pacey would show… but pulled herself up sharply. The complexity of those thoughts could wait until she got home. Dawson's earnest counsel had lit a taper in her mind. It was burning still, slow and imperceptible, but sparking new ideas, things she hadn't even considered but which now seemed strangely possible. Sighing deeply with frustration – after all, it was her own fault that things were the way they were – she clambered onto the bus, her blue bag slung over her shoulder.  
  
Staring out of the window at the Boston skyline, she realised that at least on one count Dawson had been entirely right. This was not about talking to Bessie, this was about trying to rediscover something she felt she had lost. The magical innocence she felt in Capeside, the dream world she had left behind, ironically, for the dream she was now pursuing. It was all a lot more complex than it had seemed three years ago. She was still trying to work out whether she had lost something or merely gained another, more exciting and substantial layer to herself, when there was a tap on the window.  
  
It was Pacey. He banged again, not grinning and waving goodbye as he once had, but serious now, and concerned. She looked down at him, perplexed and upset – it was too much to deal with now, she had to go home, he had no right to pursue her, she turned away – but couldn't resist looking back at him. He was mouthing something at her through the glass. She couldn't understand. 'What?' she mouthed back. 'What?' She felt her body grow strangely tense, as if on the verge of a great discovery.  
  
Outside the bus Pacey was panting, partly from exertion, partly from relief at having got to the bus on time. The extravagant gestures he was making had drawn the attention of a couple of other passengers, but he didn't care. He had to make her understand. She looked down at him, confused. Suddenly he had a brainwave. 'Hang on' he mouthed, and began rooting through his bag.  
  
Joey looked at her watch. Only five minutes before the bus had to leave. If he was making some grand gesture of apology (and to her credit this concept gave her a pang of guilt) he had better get a move on, or else she would have to make the awful decision whether to get off the bus and talk to him. She shifted anxiously in her seat. Her heart was pounding. What's going on, she whispered to herself. I almost want him to stop me leaving. There was a thump against the window. She turned.  
  
There, scribbled in black marker on a piece of tattered paper, were the words: 'I think I'm in love with you.' And she remembered. Like a blazing light searing through her heart, it all, suddenly, made sense.  
  
But she couldn't let him get away with it that easily. She forced her blushing face into a neutral expression, and looked out, to see Pacey standing there clutching his sign and staring questioningly up. She held his gaze, fumbling in her bag. She found a pen and a receipt. It would have to do. She wrote hastily and then, permitting herself a small grin, she held it up to the window. 'You think? Or you know?'  
  
And then she saw him smile. He turned his piece of paper around. There were only two words written on the back. 'I know'.  
  
Neither of them remembered the next few seconds. The next conscious thought registered by either of them was that kissing had probably never felt as good as it did then. Dawson, watching from underneath the shelter, smiled broadly.  
  
Breaking away from her but unable to stop himself from grinning with a maniacal intensity, Pacey took Joey's hands. 'Miss Potter,' he said teasingly. 'I think you may have something to say to me.'  
  
'Do you mean other than I love you?'  
  
'Well, actually, that's what I was hoping for, but if there's more…' he said in mock surprise.  
  
'Last night was fantastic. Can we do it again?' She said brazenly.  
  
She thought she'd never seen him smile so broadly. 


	12. The end of the beginning

They took a cab back through town, Joey giggling when Pacey asked the driver to stop so he could jump out and buy her a flower from a gas station. She smelt it gently, twirling it in her fingers as Pacey nuzzled into her neck and softly kissed her. When the taxi dropped them off, they instantly linked hands, falling easily back into old routine. Yet neither of them felt it was the same. There was something deeper, stronger, in the emotional strength that tugged them together, a complete understanding of the other that each of them realised they had never entirely possessed.  
  
Pacey led her by the hand back to the boat. It was dark now, the last vestiges of sunlight peeping in orange streaks across the horizon. They were almost silent, communicating in smiles and soft laughter. He helped her aboard, not letting go of her hand, then pushed her slowly down onto the deck and kissed her.  
  
'I love you,' he said, in a muffled voice, burying his face in her jacket and breathing in her scent.  
  
'I love you too.'  
  
He pulled a large blanket out from where it was stowed under a seat, and covered the two of them in it, wrapping Joey warmly away from the cold chill of the night and into his arms. He was happy, happier then he had possibly ever been. The joy she had given him the year before had always been tinged with sadness, a sense of the imminent demise of their relationship. It had become, he realised now, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now, though, was different. He felt they could take on the world, although the complexity of these thoughts faded and died as Joey reached around his neck and pulled him to her, kissing him more hungrily.  
  
'Do you want to go inside?' he asked her, kissing her in return.  
  
'Nope,' she grinned mischievously, rolling them over so she was on top of him under the blanket. 'I want to stay right here.' She began to unbutton his jacket and then his shirt, kissing him all over his lips and face.  
  
'Has anyone ever told you you're a brazen hussy, Potter?' he murmured luxuriously under her touch.  
  
'Only you.'  
  
'Hmmm…ok. Well, please feel free to be a brazen hussy with me whenever you wish. I think I like it.' He pulled her back down toward him onto the deck and moved on top of her. Gradually they undressed one another beneath the blanket, and she moaned gently as his hands traced patterns across her skin.  
  
They made love slowly but passionately, taking time to readjust to one another and to the pleasure in the tracing of old pathways and new glories. Joey kissed the newly healed scar Pacey had on his wrist (the result of a badly aimed chopping knife); he ran his finger around the new, older contours of her face. Capeside seemed a thousand years ago. They had both changed.  
  
Later they lay in one another's arms underneath the warm fleecy blanket, and played games with the stars, Pacey pointing out the constellations for Joey to name. It was a different sky to the one they had stared at two summers ago; she knew most of them but had still to guess at a few. It struck her that this was something that two days ago she could never have imagined happening, and yet here she was, and she was happy. It wasn't just any old happiness either, it was deep-seated and heartwarming, and above all, completely real. She suddenly realised that she had faith in it, as though she would be happy for a long while to come, and more importantly that this was a faith she had never felt.  
  
Pacey pulled her closer to him, and took a deep breath. He had been mulling over what he wanted to say to her for a few minutes now whilst he made trite comments about the stars.  
  
'Jo,' he said carefully. 'I really, really, love you.'  
  
She smiled up at him. 'I love you too Pace. I know it might sound stupid, but I'm truly happy here with you.'  
  
'I want to say something Jo, and I don't want you to stop me till I'm done.' He kissed his finger and put it to her lips. 'When we were together last year I was happy, but it was nothing like this. I was always terrified I was going to lose you, I think you know that now. I've killed myself a thousand times in my mind for saying what I did that night at the Prom, but I can't take that back now.  
  
'But that wasn't the only reason it finished. There were things in the way, things wrong – for both of us, I mean. It was right, and then it wasn't. But I think it is again now, and I think it's more right than it's ever been.'  
  
She shifted in his arms and looked at him, puzzled.  
  
'Sorry,' he said, kissing her thoughtfully on the forehead. 'I'm not expressing this very well, but it's just – well there's no Dawson in the way. We both know that now, we both understand the two of you in a way we didn't before, that I didn't before. Now, I really believe in us. I really, truly believe in us. I feel like, if I had you by my side for the rest of my life, nothing could ever mess it up. You make me feel incredible, Joey Potter, and I want you to do that forever. I think I want to spend the rest of my life being happy, with you. What's wrong?' he asked, suddenly, as she sat up and stared at him, pulling the blanket round her shoulders.  
  
'Nothing – just – Pacey? Are you proposing to me? Because that's what it sounds like…'  
  
He smiled, and took both her hands in his, kissing her lingeringly. 'No. Well, maybe in a way I am, ' he said, drawing back again. 'I want this to continue, I think we can make it. I guess what I'm saying is just - a proposal of a proposal, if you see what I mean – I want us to form an understanding that one day we might be promising to make each other damn happy for the rest of our lives. Jo, I love you – do you think you can love me that much?'  
  
She smiled. It felt as though everything she had ever known had suddenly been wonderfully re-established on a solid, reliable footing. Kissing him, passionately and joyfully, she pulled him on top of her. 'I do,' she whispered. 


End file.
